lvrebelman's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The only entry I will write on this topic. I wrote something in a community on LiveJournal. I think it reflects how I'm feeling at the moment. "About a week ago I ended a relationship, and since then, I've been thinking about it like crazy and at times, wondering if it was a relationship at all. I met him in early September at the GLBT organization we have on campus (I go to the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, btw). After going out bowling with the group and spending time together afterwards, he expressed an interest in going out with me. I really liked him too, totally unlike the guys I've met up to that point. So, over the course of the next four months, we dated, and it got to be fairly serious. Then last Monday he calls me about privacy issues he had (he wanted it to be secret, I was a bit more open about it) and was upset about something I did. The conversation went on a bit longer, and suddenly I found myself talking with a guy who believes that one day he will marry a woman and have kids because he feels it's "best". I soon decided to end it, because I just can't be with someone who thinks that way. I know it's unrealistic to assume that a relationship (especially a first one, like this) will last forever, but if one day he decides that it's time to start finding a potential wife and stop seeing me or another guy, it's going to feel awkward and cold and is incompatible with my ideals. I mean, when you're with a guy, the least you can expect is that they're comfortable enough to be in a relationship and leave open the possibility of a future in this type of relationship, right? I know, there are different kinds, open, purely sexual, but I guess my idea of one is more... traditional. Throughout our relationship, he made it obvious that he's concerned about his future, particularly about one day taking over his dad's business. Since he's not out to his dad, he's not sure what will happen if he were to find out. To be honest, his "paranoia" about PDA and talking about certain things in public was getting progressively annoying, but I took into account the fact that he had just come out for the first time in August and kept on going. I feel somewhat used, just a guy who showed some interest in him and he was there when he needed companionship and someone to be intimate with once in a while. I don't know. I just don't feel like he liked me at all, and after saying that he got with me merely because he wanted a relationship, I am a bit crushed. I was a bit disillusioned with being gay and meeting other guys for friends etc before I met him, but I have to say that I am even more so now. I have not had the best of luck meeting other gay guys here, and based on how others react when they either see me or get to know be a bit, I think it will continue to be difficult. I suppose the point of this post is "How can I prove myself wrong?" Over the years I have tried to meet other gay guys but none really seem to want to spend time with me because of how I look or in a few cases, because I don't like things like Britney Spears. Vegas, despite it's reputation for being "Sin City", is a bit more conservative from a resident's perspective. Our three-block gay area is called the "fruit loop, for instance. I have even tried gay.com (which scares me more and more, see my personal LJ for an idea), and nothing. While I am ready to be "out" and meet other people like myself, no matter how hard I try, the very group of people I am supposed to identify with seems a bit distant at the moment. This past weekend I went to a multicultural retreat with school and I was the only gay guy there, which I guess intensified what I've been feeling. Well, thanks for putting up with my rant, have a good day, afternoon, evening, whatever. :-)" 20:44 - January 30, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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